John “The Sledgehammer” Emerson!!
Harvard University, Best Damned School in the World
Harvard Business School, Cambridge, MA
Master of Business Administration, May 2015
Cumulative GPA 3.99 - Monster GPA!!
• Concentrations in: Everything
• Selected Coursework: International Financial Market Takeovers, Global Dominance, Intimidation
Princeton University, Princeton, NJ
Bachelor of Arts, Economics Major, summa cum laude, Phi Beta Kappa, Baby!
Cumulative GPA 4.00 Perfection!
• Selected for Most Awesome Human Fellowship,
• National Carnivore Action Merit Scholarship Award
• I managed everything at Watley, Lehman and Shrumpet
• I fired 12 interns on my first day
• As a consultant with the International Cash and Liquid Debt Financing Corporation in London, I once talked on the phone continuously for 98 hours. They called me Killer Mouth
• I’ve been on the lecture circuit since I was 8. I delivered the Keynote Address at the 2004 Republican National Convention at the age of 14. I addressed 1.2 Billion people during the 2010 Academy Awards
• I own nineteen smart phones, all with unlimited data
• I’ve given over a thousand TED Talks at local charities, birthday parties, dental events, and rock concerts
• I planned the 2014 Olympics in Sochi
• I defeated Napoleon at Waterloo. I coordinated strategy with the Duke of Wellington
• I designed the Lunar Module
• All of them
Watley, Lehman and Shrumpet, New York, N. Y., May 2015 – present
• I was promoted on my first day
• I was CEO after my first two weeks
• I own it now
References Not Required.
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