Best.Resume.Ever

John “The Sledgehammer” Emerson!! 

872 Hedgewick Square, Washington, DC 20004, (202) 555-0111, The-Man@mail.com

 

Education

Harvard University, Best Damned School in the World

Harvard Business School, Cambridge, MA

Master of Business Administration, May 2015

Cumulative GPA 3.99 - Monster GPA!!

•    Concentrations in: Everything

•    Selected Coursework: International Financial Market Takeovers, Global Dominance, Intimidation 

 

Princeton University, Princeton, NJ

Bachelor of Arts, Economics Major, summa cum laude, Phi Beta Kappa, Baby!  

May 2012                     

Cumulative GPA 4.00 Perfection!                             

•    Selected for Most Awesome Human Fellowship, 

•    National Carnivore Action Merit Scholarship Award​​

Skills 

 

Management

•    I managed everything at Watley, Lehman and Shrumpet

•    I fired 12 interns on my first day

 

Communication

•    As a consultant with the International Cash and Liquid Debt Financing Corporation in London, I once talked on the phone continuously for 98 hours. They called me Killer Mouth

•    I’ve been on the lecture circuit since I was 8.  I delivered the Keynote Address at the 2004 Republican National Convention at the age of 14. I addressed 1.2 Billion people during the 2010 Academy Awards

•    I own nineteen smart phones, all with unlimited data 

•    I’ve given over a thousand TED Talks at local charities, birthday parties, dental events, and rock concerts 

 

Strategic Planning

•    I planned the 2014 Olympics in Sochi

•    I defeated Napoleon at Waterloo. I coordinated strategy with the Duke of Wellington

•    I designed the Lunar Module

 

Languages

•    All of them

 

Employment History

Watley, Lehman and Shrumpet, New York, N. Y., May 2015 – present

•    I was promoted on my first day

•    I was CEO after my first two weeks

•    I own it now

References Not Required. 

For more Job Hunting Madness, check out my book, "Job Hunter Road" on Amazon

https://www.amazon.com/author/carlvmccoy